When I first became interested in feminism, I was still living as a heterosexual, in a heteronormative relationship. I was even engaged at one point. That relationship has been over since last year and I ended up keeping both engagement rings afterwards (which I’m planning to re-sell to make me a bit of money). I am so glad I never fell into the trap of marriage thanks to feminist consciousness-raising. Now I know it would have been a serious restriction of freedom.
I know that in this interview by Pisaquari I’d said that I had ‘no sexual orientation’ because I believed that orientation was a social construct. Now my views have somewhat changed on this subject. I now believe that heteronormativity is a social construct and that heterosexuality is an institution, maintained by male supremacy to ensure that women remain divided and conquered. Besides, heteronormativity sucks! Who knows better how to make another person happy than someone of the same sex anyway?
To quote Adrienne Rich:
The assumption that “most women are innately heterosexual” stands as a theoretical and political stumbling block for many women. It remains a tenable assumption, partly because lesbian existence has been written out of history or catalogued under disease; partly because it has been treated as exceptional rather than intrinsic; partly because to acknowledge that for women heterosexuality may not be a “preference” at all but something that has had to be imposed, managed, organized, propagandized and maintained by force is an immense step to take if you consider yourself freely and “innately” heterosexual. Yet the failure to examine heterosexuality as an institution is like failing to admit that the economic system called capitalism or the caste system of racism is maintained by a variety of forces, including both physical violence and false consciousness. To take the step of questioning heterosexuality as a ”preference” or “choice” for women–and to do the intellectual and emotional work that follows–will call for a special quality of courage in heterosexually identified feminists but I think the rewards will be great: a freeing-up of thinking, the exploring of new paths, the shattering of another great silence, new clarity in personal relationships.
— in Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence.
“All women are lesbians except those who don’t know it,” said Jill Johnston in her book Lesbian Nation. Well, I believe that most women experience lesbian feelings at some point in their lives. I am a lesbian. My very first lesbian feelings were during my early teenage years. I remember of how much I had to repress those feelings or to not let them be known to anyone because of hetero-patriarchal indoctrination. That did not stop me from having occasional lesbian flings with a few women I had met when I was clubbing during my early 20’s. It’s a shame I have never stayed in touch with them.
Now, I would like to elaborate on two points: why I have now chosen lesbianism & separatism and why I have not yet come out in real life.
I have chosen lesbianism because I am so attracted to women and I love them so much. Feminism has taught me that I could see lesbianism as a political choice, as a way of relating to women even more. Through lesbianism I am able to extend female identification. Lesbian feminist consciousness is a way of breaking the heteropatriarchal barriers that divide us among women. I believe that we have got to open our minds to each other, break away from the systematic brainwashing that conditions us to identify with the culture of men. This world desperately needs more woman-identified women.
I had been looking at other women my whole life, even when I was living as a heterosexual, but expressing my lesbian feelings had always been somehow ‘prohibited’ by a society that sees heterosexuality as an absolute norm.
Moreover, I feel how awfully oppressed women are under male dominance. I would so much love to find a space somewhere in which we would be able to find a better way of sharing our experiences as women as well as a deeper emotional support for each other.
I have chosen separatism as a way of protecting myself from misogyny and male domination in my personal life. Although I do believe that masculinity is a social construct, I can see everyday that the vast majority of men don’t seem to change. It is extremely rare to find a (pro-feminist) man who would give up on male privilege and who would not expect women to conform to oppressive feminine norms & roles which are inherently antithetical to radical feminism.
I broke up from my last heterosexual relationship because I was fed up with living within constraints. Separatism is also removing the burden of having to look for the ‘needle in a haystack’ kind of guy who doesn’t use porn or does not viciously reap the benefits of male privilege that a patriarchal society has given him. That said, I do know some radical feminists online who have chosen to carry on living in heterosexual relationships. I think that, well, if they have indeed found some men who can really treat them right, then fair enough. But I have chosen differently.
The other day, I watched a talk by Sheila Jeffreys online. It can be found here, a lecture on the 40th anniversary of Kate Millett’s book Sexual Politics which I highly recommend you to watch. I really enjoyed listening to Jeffreys’ acute analysis of this woman-hating culture. I am fully in agreement with the fact that Millett’s book is still relevant today; it hasn’t aged one bit. Malestream society is just as woman-hating as it was 40 years ago, if not more; the only difference being that the multi-billion dollar image-based pornography industry has nowadays become ten thousand times more popular than the pornographic literature which Millett was analyzing at the time.
This reminded me of how much men hate women. They never say it out loud, but they do hate women. It is a real shame that many women have no idea of how much men hate them. But I do know, and I do not want to be attracted to the people who hate my own kind anymore. I want to separate from the oppressor. I am indifferent to men because it simply does not look like they are about to give up on their *precious* porn and their *precious* rape culture soon. Therefore, I care about women, not men, because the oppressed, first and foremost, have to become liberated from male oppression, an oppression that does not seem to end. Of course, if more and more men changed, then maybe I would argue that there is a gleam of hope somewhere, but this isn’t what is happening right now: patriarchy dominates the world and misogyny is present in so many elements of contemporary culture.
I agree with Julie Bindel in this article here when she says that in the rape culture in which we live, lesbian separatism seems like a great solution for female freedom.
With this post, I have now come out publicly online, but not in real life yet. I am a lesbian. Everyday, I realize that I am not attracted to men anymore (I had merely been socialized to heteronormativity). I am so, so, so much attracted to women.
But I am still closeted in real life. Why? Because (1) I am so afraid of lesbophobia and (2) I am a very shy person IRL. Lesbophobia, another form of hatred that a patriarchal society has created, unfortunately influences some women – and I never know which ones in my surroundings will have been influenced by it. I am so scared of suffering prejudice and hostility when I will be coming out. Plus, my parents would never accept my lesbianism; they are so brainwashed by homophobic/lesbophobic patriarchal religion.
Last year, I have been re-connecting with some feminists for real life activism. Those feminist friends and I, we see each other once a week. I know that, as feminists, they’re not supposed to be lesbophobic – therefore it would be a great idea to speak first to this little group about my lesbianism than any other people. Maybe? But I will have to find the right moment.
I always wonder how it must feel like, to a lesbian, coming out in real life. I miss so much the lesbians I had known in the past, wondering where they are now and how silly I was to not keep in touch.
I am feeling so lonely as I am disappointed that this patriarchal society is making sure everyday that most women won’t become lesbians. Most women are het because they’ve been trained to be het and even to stay het. I look at women around me everyday and I’m reminded that I am not allowed to be with them – because they are under the power of the heteropatriarchal institution.
I often daydream about a society in which women would be able to freely express their lesbian feelings, where we could freely relate to each other and reach deeper human connections amongst women. I constantly have woman-centered thoughts about lesbianism: I believe it should be freed from gendered roles and norms (e.g. “butch/femme” copying masculinity & femininity); we do NOT have to conform to the humanity-constricting gendered rules that men have created.
I once heard someone tell me online that I will never meet another lesbian as long as I am closeted. Therefore I will have to come out. This will not be easy. I wish I knew what would be the right first step…
.
While I might disagree with a lot of what you say, I do also know how strange it can be being ‘out’ in one world (only my closest friend knows I’m attracted to womyn) but ‘closeted’ in the rest of it.
Unfortunately while my parents are so awesome and liberal and understanding – they’re still the most heteronormative/phobic people I have ever met. And I went to a Christian all girls school for thirteen years.
Best of luck to you for coming out. One day we’ll be living in a world where coming out won’t be an issue. I’m pretty sure we’d both agree on wanting that.
Thanks a lot for your kind comment, Aileen, and your understanding that we can find a ‘common ground’ somewhere. 🙂
One day we’ll be living in a world where coming out won’t be an issue. I’m pretty sure we’d both agree on wanting that.
Yep, even though we may disagree on some things concerning gender issues, etc (I dunno), we definitely both agree on that. Lesbianism should never be seen by anyone as a problem.
Hey Maggie-
I think that coming out online like this is a great step. And those women that you meet IRL sound like another great step. Congrats!
🙂 Buggle
Thanks, Buggle. 🙂
Hey Maggie – I was more speaking about what you have to say about the sex industry in general as I think you’ve raised some very valid arguments about gender issues here.
I find as much as I enjoy a heated debate/argument, it often detracts from the real issues of importance – like uniting on things that we can all agree on (such as the importance of reproductive health rights etc :P) and working together as a collective group to combat these problems.
Plus I always find it’s very important to make sure you can gather all sides of an argument to an issue before you make a point of view. When I was younger I tended to find myself on the more rad-fem side of things although as I’ve gotten older I’ve found I’ve gravitated towards lib-fem because I feel it compliments my personal beliefs and context the best. That and you never know, you might find something somewhere one day that changes your mind about an issue or opens a line of thought you hadn’t considered possible before.
I’m adding you to my blog roll because I find what you have to say interesting and usually well researched, even if I have a tendency to disagree, but if I can make my point politely and informed, I’m sure you probably wouldn’t mind me commenting 🙂 the same of course applies to my blog 🙂
I also find I can relate a little some of your posts which are more personal in nature, which I always find comforting knowing that I’m not alone in some of what I’ve experienced.
I was more speaking about what you have to say about the sex industry in general as I think you’ve raised some very valid arguments about gender issues here.
Sorry I wasn’t sure what it was you disagreed on. Oh, well, so long as we can find a ‘common ground’ somewhere; and it is always nice to meet another lesbian. 🙂
it often detracts from the real issues of importance – like uniting on things that we can all agree on (such as the importance of reproductive health rights etc ) and working together as a collective group to combat these problems.
Yeah, I’m very pro-abortion (to be legal & on demand), pro-lesbian/gay rights, etc…
I’m anti-BDSM, but that’s another issue I have raised in a short story I have previously written….
Plus I always find it’s very important to make sure you can gather all sides of an argument to an issue before you make a point of view.
Well, although I don’t allow pro-porn or aggressively patriarchal comments on my blog, I often tend to respond to the counter-arguments that the ‘other side’ brings up (I have the categories ‘pro-porners’, ‘pornified culture’ etc for that on the sidebar). So, yeah, I have read & responded to pro-pornstitution arguments before…
When I was younger I tended to find myself on the more rad-fem side of things although as I’ve gotten older I’ve found I’ve gravitated towards lib-fem because I feel it compliments my personal beliefs and context the best. That and you never know, you might find something somewhere one day that changes your mind about an issue or opens a line of thought you hadn’t considered possible before.
For me, that was the opposite, I tended to think more in a liberal way when I was younger. But, no sorry, when I found radical feminism, I felt like I’d finally come home, personally and politically speaking. Thus I then changed my mind on liberalism and gravitated to radical thinking. I am totally impressed by the radicalism and the research/writing/consciousness-raising of the Women’s Liberation Movement…
I’m adding you to my blog roll because I find what you have to say interesting and usually well researched, even if I have a tendency to disagree, but if I can make my point politely and informed, I’m sure you probably wouldn’t mind me commenting the same of course applies to my blog
Sure, what’s your blog address, Aileen? I would visit your blog for sure. Thanks a lot for adding me to your B-roll. 🙂 I do know I tend to write my thoughts in a very radical way and intent, but I invite my readers (see comment policy) to ask politely a question when there is something that I said that might not sound clear to them (even though it may sound clear to you, Aileen, having some previous radfem background), or of course to comment politely on issues they agree on (unless they are one of my previous online stalkers of course, which I know the names of – I would not allow comments from those).
I tend to avoid pornstitution disagreements though, as 1) I would not have the time to moderate all the hundreds of incoming comments (like Nine Deuce does, for instance) and disagreeing on pornstitution can easily lead to ‘slippery slope’ aggressive arguments betweeen women, and 2) I tend to protect myself from the malestream/pro-sex industry ideologies I hear in everyday life. Thanks for your understanding. 🙂
I also find I can relate a little some of your posts which are more personal in nature, which I always find comforting knowing that I’m not alone in some of what I’ve experienced.
Oh, thank you. 🙂 I’m really touched because this is precisely why I write those personal things, because I know that women do share a common condition of having some similar private experiences under misogynistic patriarchy. *hugs* to you, Aileen.
To be honest, I experience a LOT more hostility when I come out as a feminist than when I come out as a lesbian. I am far more tentative about talking about women’s rights and liberation than I am about being a lesbian.
At the moment I wear a necklace with two womyn’s symbols intertwined. I act like a dyke but I don’t really look like one. So the necklace helps to make sure that people know. I don’t like telling people or talking about it really, but I do want to be visible as a lesbian. I especially want to be visible to the girls that I work with. I want them to know that there is another option. They don’t have to be with men. I hope they remember me. Remember that I was unconventional and weird. Remember that I was proud and strong and most importantly *free*.
I often tell stories about what I was like as a girl. I tell them that when boys used to ask me out I’d kick them in the shins. I let them know that they don’t have to take sexual harassment. That they shouldn’t let themselves be pushed around by anyone. I think being visible as a lesbian at work is really central to all of these messages.
But it is great that you are coming out. I hope you don’t get any negative reactions. Good luck sister!
Allecto, my darling! 🙂
I experience a LOT more hostility when I come out as a feminist than when I come out as a lesbian.
Yeah, I know what you mean. To me, it is just a bit different at the mo: I have no idea what this little feminist group I’m with are gonna think of me being lesbian (they’re apparently het, as far as I know). But, if I was coming out publicly as a lesbian feminist in my college to (non-feminists) students, I’d probably get more shit for the ‘feminist’ part of the equation than the lesbian one.
I wear a necklace with two womyn’s symbols intertwined.
I wear a necklace with just the one woman-symbol (for feminism – but no one ever asks me about it in class), but I’d love to get me one with the 2-womyn on it. 😛
I don’t like telling people or talking about it really, but I do want to be visible as a lesbian. I especially want to be visible to the girls that I work with. I want them to know that there is another option. They don’t have to be with men. I hope they remember me. Remember that I was unconventional and weird. Remember that I was proud and strong and most importantly *free*.
Same feelings here! 😀 I’d really love to get the message through about lesbian feminist/separatist freedom in my surroundings once I’m out. What wonderful thoughts, Allecto! Many het fems anyway, I hope, should figure out soon that it is too rare to meet the ‘needle in a haystack’ kind of guy who doesn’t use porn, or doesn’t take ‘pride’ in masculinity, etc. And more importantly, it is so much more freedom and expanded emotional connections when women relate to other women and share our common experiences and feelings for each other together. We need more lesbian feminist spaces, that’s for sure. 😉
I often tell stories about what I was like as a girl. I tell them that when boys used to ask me out I’d kick them in the shins. I let them know that they don’t have to take sexual harassment. That they shouldn’t let themselves be pushed around by anyone.
Interesting stories, Allecto. Yeah, it is true that women should seriously ask men to “back off” a little. Women and girls should have the right to be respected as human beings by men. But many women’s internalization of the feminine role is very strong, unfortunately. 😦 I know, I’ve been there.
I think being visible as a lesbian at work is really central to all of these messages.
Yep, lesbianism is a great sexual politics. 🙂
it is great that you are coming out. I hope you don’t get any negative reactions. Good luck sister!
Thanks a lot, Allecto. Big hugs to you, my lovely sister. 🙂
I’m assuming I’m one of those ‘in real life feminists’ that you mention here :-). I know that theres an awful lot we don’t agree on, but you definatly have my full support. If you do feel like you want to chat about this in one of our meetings and come out officially, then I think I can promise that you’ll be safe to.
Rachel xx
Wow, thanks Rachel for visiting! 🙂 Yes, I am a very radical feminist, as you can see. But I elaborate a lot on social gender constructs (as I don’t believe in biologically-fixed theories) in my writings. . .
you definatly have my full support. If you do feel like you want to chat about this in one of our meetings and come out officially, then I think I can promise that you’ll be safe to.
Thanks a lot, for your understanding. I will see how things go. 😉 I have to admit I sort of left my blog a li’l more accessible to all of you’s via Facebook, in case it occured to you to visit my page so that it might save me from “having to find the right moment” to say all the radical stuff I believe in to some of you, that and stuff on my lesbianism. i know it’s still shy but… I’ll come out when the moment comes.
I’m happy enough we all agree that pornography is woman-hating, in our little group. 🙂
Feminist Friday was wonderful today, btw. It’s a shame you couldn’t come, Rachel…
Just leaving a quick message of my support for you and your couragous post. I think political lesbianism makes a lot more sense than people give it credit, and I can understand the desire for seperatism despite the fact that I don’t see it as a viable solution to patriarchy(social construction or not I still like mens body parts.)
All the best, hope to see you soon and keep up the super radicalism 🙂
Thanks a lot, Liz, for your support. 🙂
I don’t see it as a viable solution to patriarchy
I mainly see it as a viable solution for many women to separate from the members of the oppressing class (men), and get some more freedom and emotional connections between women. 😉
The eradication of all gender roles/norms & the destruction of all systems of oppression, brought about by massive worldwide political organizing amongst womyn for Women’s Liberation, would be the solution to patriarchy…
social construction or not I still like mens body parts
Oh, you never know Liz; you might change your mind someday (not necessarily will, but just saying…)
Nice to see you here visiting my blog. Thank You. 😀
What an interesting discussion. I am in a hetero marriage and have been for the last 7 years. It surprises me regularly. I have loved women and had short relationships with 2 and one longer term, but very complex, relationship with a third.
I love women. I love the man I married though, as strongly as I abhor so many that I didn’t 😀
I agree with you that I think it is probably natural/normal for us to seek different relationships at different times in our lives. I have never wanted other women more on so many different levels, now that I have 3 children under 4. I honestly can’t see that there is any point to heterosexuality after children. For either party, tbh.
allecto, I love your observation re more hostility coming out as a feminist. I don’t have the comparison, but yes, a lot of hostility with that one.
Maggie, I wish you an open trail for your journey to outness in your real life. It is courageous enough to come out online and I’m sure the tiger in you will fire your outness offline. x
Thanks for those great links too.
Thanks, Imperatricks, for your kind words. 🙂 Well, we all choose our different paths but I chose what I believe is the safest for so many women under patriarchy…
I honestly can’t see that there is any point to heterosexuality after children.
Excellent point. Maybe, in an ideal world, male-female relationships would just be occasional, and for the sake of reproducing our human species. In the long-term, same-sex relationships seem definitely more emotionally rewarding, after all…
I’m sure the tiger in you will fire your outness offline.
Wow, sure, hear me roar! 😀
hey maggie,
just wanted to leave a quick message of support – and back up what rachel said. I may disagree with you on some points, but we share the same end goals. i want all people to be free in themselves, and their sexualities and their gender identities. i hope you feel secure enough in any rl feminist gatherings not to have hide your sexuality. feminist spaces as safe spaces means a lot to me.
believe it or not i’d consider myself a radical too :o)
in sisterhood hon xxxx
i hope you feel secure enough in any rl feminist gatherings not to have hide your sexuality.
Thanks alot, Hilary, for your support. *Big Hugs*
i want all people to be free in themselves… and their gender identities.
Sorry, I’d just like to quickly comment on this part (hoping you don’t mind), explaining clearly where I stand regarding “gender identities”: I believe that gender roles and norms are social constructs imposed on people, especially women (who are often required to conform to oppressive ‘feminine’ norms & roles). In short, I recognize ‘gender’ as being fully socially constructed & separate from sex (biological sex), and I believe that people should transcend gender roles & norms in order to achieve full human integrity. Gender is a patriarchal invention that constricts womyn’s lives.
in sisterhood hon xxxx
In sisterhood too. Thanks for visiting. 🙂
no worries 🙂 I’ll do the same!
>>gender roles and norms are social constructs imposed on people
absolutely agree, and i’d add that they are constructed by the people they are imposed on. Which I’d identify as both a reason why negative social constructions are so hard to overcome, and the chance for overcoming them!
>>I recognize ‘gender’ as being merely socially constructed & separate from sex (biological sex)
The ‘merely’ worries me – I guess I see social interaction and constructions as fundamental to human society – if we are overcoming gendered construction – we will be building newer (better!) social constructs in their place. I also take the view that gender is not wholly separate from biology, but has been constructed from and in relation to human bodies. Perhaps in the same way that race is constructed out of a fetishised, exaggeration of human difference, inscribed with meanings that don’t reflect physicality but are re-enforced by it.
I pluralise gender identies – as a (not very clear way) of trying to a avoid the masculine-feminine binary. I mean to suggest there are a lot of different ways of identifying yourself and hopefully we can tear them away from being defined by biological sex. If that means getting rid of gender – so be it.
Yet I wonder if the intemediary stage may be confusing gender so much it changes mainstream meanings and undermines the construction itself? This is my current strategy!
xxx
Hey, I read this the other day (http://scriptorium.lib.duke.edu/wlm/womid/) and thought of you.
Thanks, Imperatricks. I love this essay on the woman-identified woman. 😀
Reply to Hilary:
I pluralise gender identies – as a (not very clear way) of trying to a avoid the masculine-feminine binary.
Hilary, I 100% endorse a radical feminist politics, which is in direct opposition to queer/post-modern theories & liberal feminism. I’m sorry but radical feminists are not interested in any “pluralization of gender identities” pomo language & theories which we view as being patriarchally-defined (you may -or may not- be interested in such theories but I’m not, sorry). Radical feminism is rather committed to the destruction and transcendence of gender altogether.
i’d add that they are constructed by the people they are imposed on.
Well, IMO, gender roles & norms have been constructed by men and the patriarchal society they have created in order to subordinate us to their power.
negative social constructions are so hard to overcome, and the chance for overcoming them!
Womyn, to a certain extent (at least in Western countries), can choose to resist femininity and other dynamics of subordination that a male-dominated society is constantly imposing on them. It is hard to overcome, as the social conditioning to patriarchally-approved feminine roles & norms is really strong, but yes it is possible to transcend gender. It is the great first step of resistance to patriarchy. Patriarchal socialization can be, to a fairly high degree, unlearned by the people who deliberately oppose patriarchy. I have unlearned it to some satisfying (enough) extent.
The ‘merely’ worries me
I just edited and replaced the ‘merely’ by ‘fully’; it does sound better. But, in the end, radical feminism is anti-gender. We understand gender as a structure and system of subordination, and as such, we seek its eradication.
I see social interaction and constructions as fundamental to human society – if we are overcoming gendered construction – we will be building newer (better!) social constructs in their place. I also take the view that gender is not wholly separate from biology, but has been constructed from and in relation to human bodies.
I disagree with the “not wholly separate”, sorry. Sociologists even made it clear that gender is 100% socially constructed and separate from biological sex, even though it’s imposed b/c of prejudice about sex-based differences in biology. Although (for instance) femininity is imposed on women because the patriarchy hates us and discriminates against our biological sex, gender is 100% a male-supremacist social construct that has been imposed on people. We do not have to obey the oppressive gendered rules that men have created in order to perpetuate the subordination of women; nor do we have to believe the lies of the patriarchists who deliberately attempt to conflate sex with gender in order to maintain the sexist status quo. In short, gender has to be transcended, period.
race is constructed out of a fetishised, exaggeration of human difference
That is correct. Race is socially constructed because of white-supremacist racist hatred based on color of skin. In a world where skin color wouldn’t matter, race & racism wouldn’t exist.
Yet I wonder if the intemediary stage may be confusing gender so much it changes mainstream meanings and undermines the construction itself?
I realize that the radical feminist stance on gender might be new to you (especially if you’ve never read anything about it), which is why I posted a link in an above comment to you (if you check it out, the Root Cause article explains our stance on this very well). Without gender and all of its constrainsts, we would all be able to achieve full autonomy and preserve complete integrity of body & mind as female human beings. But men have a privilege being put at stake in the possible eradication of gender, which is why they have all sorts of Queer Theory/postmodernist patriarchists who try to maintain the oppressive gendered satus quo. Hence, the transcendence of gender roles & norms (or transcending femininity, in the case of women), so far, has currently been best achieved by womyn-identified women (as women, we often learn to identify with the culture of men & with male interests from childhood onward, but we can all do our best to reclaim our women-centered identification).
Men also probably have the capacity to give up on masculinity (it being a social construct too) and not be “real men” but male human beings instead (e.g. as writer John Stoltenberg has argued in his book Refusing to be a man), but not enough men seem to change at this point in time. Men have a specific interest in maintaining the ‘domination/subordination’ gendered status quo that benefits them, which is why radical feminists have no illusion that male power will be given up without strong united female struggle against it…
Hoping it helps clarify the rad fem stance on gender to you…
If that means getting rid of gender – so be it.
Absolutely, Hilary! 🙂
I realize that we may disagree on some things or may come from different branches of feminism, but I’d rather not argue about gender on my blog. I’m anti-gender. Thanks.
I’m thankful enough you came to visit here in a supportive way. Thanks. 🙂
Hi Maggie!
I like your post. I believe the popular notion of sex and gender essentialism is the *reason why* people are more contentious about and threatened by feminism than lesbianism! They accept your sexuality as something biological that you DON’T choose. But FEMINISM, now that’s a choice, isn’t it?? The reality is that you, Maggie (as I do), CHOOSE both.
Gender and sexuality are quite clearly constructs. Animals perform EVERY kind of sexual behavior that humans do. There is no way to analogize animal and human sexuality in a reasonably accurate manner.
I agree with the Adrienne Rich quotation you posted. I believe that feminist women have a DUTY to question heteronormativity and to explore the extent to which their cravings for hairy backs and dominating sexual behavior are *products* of internalized patriarchal conditioning. I would never TELL another woman that she cannot/should not under any circumstances practice heterosexuality, but I would ask her to (try to) think objectively about its perceived merits very, very seriously. And then to think about it some more. Cause the roots of gender conditioning are deeeeeeeeeeep. Like womb-deep.
I separated approximately 10 years ago and I’ve been with my partner/BFF for over 8 years. LESBIANISM as a personal solution to eliminating the cold chill of male privilege from your most intimate, time-consuming personal relation/partner-ship WORKS. I mean, you still gotta do the emotional work to get the emotional rewards. But women are undeniably better at interpersonal connections than men are!! We can’t change men, and I will NOT hold my breath for the “Equality” Revolution, but we CAN change ourselves!!
Anyways, congratulations! Coming OUT IRL, which I have faith you will do on your own time, is sure to be full of surprises! I trust that many of them will be positive, cathartic surprises. 🙂 Your fears are *no doubt* well-founded, but knowing that you aren’t holding a BIG SECRET will be liberating in its own way.
CHEERS to radical feminist lesbian separatism!! It IS The Way Forward.
Thanks, Undercover Punk, for this lovely comment. 🙂
I have already come out to a few friends IRL, and it went well so far…
I’m so glad to hear it!! Thanks for the update! It warms my Lesbian Separatist Heart! 😉
Also, I’ve been thinking about allecto’s double-female necklace adornment…it’s a GREAT idea! I’m thinking that I need to get one of those too!! Maybe all of us Proud Separatists should wear one?!
I’ve been thinking about allecto’s double-female necklace adornment…it’s a GREAT idea! I’m thinking that I need to get one of those too!! Maybe all of us Proud Separatists should wear one?!
Yup! 🙂
It would sure be a lot more feminist than those rainbow necklaces!
Maggie, I have enjoyed your comments on other blogs and am so glad to find yours. The friends you will have after you’ve come out to them are your real friends; they need to respect your judgment and the integrity of your life. And love and support you a lot!
Thanks, Level Best. Glad you like the blog. I’ve liked many of your comments on other blogs too. 🙂
The friends you will have after you’ve come out to them are your real friends; they need to respect your judgment and the integrity of your life. And love and support you a lot!
All my friends are female (which is an inherent feature of living as a separatist, btw). Many of my friends are het but I’ve already made a few lesbian friends thanks to my coming out IRL weeks ago. Things are happening slowly, step by step, but they are very emotionally rewarding…
Maybe all of us Proud Separatists should wear one?!
Back in the day, we all did.
🙂
Fascinating…
“All my friends are female (which is an inherent feature of living as a separatist, btw). Many of my friends are het but I’ve already made a few lesbian friends thanks to my coming out IRL weeks ago. Things are happening slowly, step by step, but they are very emotionally rewarding…”
I’m so happy for you Maggie.
Thanks, AW. 🙂
Maggie,
I didn’t write more previously because I didn’t have time, but I can very much relate to your situation…or I could. I have been an extremely timid person for most of my life. Being as woman-identified as I am and having other political views I do has only added to my burdens. I had a lot of truly bad experiences when I did come out five years ago and then became very hestiant to reveal my true sexuality and beliefs to others. However, I am learning that more and more people, if they’re not accepting, just don’t CARE. Speaking for myself, I know I will never be satisfied if I cannot share who I *really* am with others, or at least feel like I am not hiding myself.
But really, I think people in their teens and twenties just don’t give a rat’s ass. Or, at least, that has been my experience.
From a feminist perspective, is there not a difference in being woman-loving and not expressing it vs. being an out and proud dyke?
I am soooo happy you have started to come out IRL; things will only get easier for you!
Big hugs sistah! But really, people are more accepting of lesbians in the traditional, sexual sense of the word, than of radical feminists.
Thanks, Laur, for your insightful comment. Big Hugs to you too. 🙂
I know I will never be satisfied if I cannot share who I *really* am with others, or at least feel like I am not hiding myself.
Yup, same here. 😉
Hi Maggie,
Now over 2 years after you wrote this, are you out IRL?
Also, if I’m not being too inquisitive, could you write about your experiences in these last 2 years? Quite certain others would like to be caught up as well.
Thanks!